fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We left an ass print on the piano.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
