In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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