That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
