Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
