i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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