some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
how drunk are you?
Several
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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