i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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