Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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