During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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