i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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