he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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