i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize