When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
