had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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