My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
