Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
