hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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