Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
