Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
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Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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