I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
