I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
