I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
