Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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