listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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