I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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