seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
