I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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