How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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