My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
