I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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