i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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