i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
