dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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