I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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