At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
