nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
