I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
