Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
