the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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