So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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