The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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