He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
