So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
