He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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