The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
