she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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