yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
