Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
