What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
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Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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