Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
