Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
