oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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