Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
