so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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