She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
