you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
